Involuntary Travel


Involuntary TravelI want to say that I haven’t traveled much, but that would be a lie.

Technically, even if I didn’t go anywhere, I would be going somewhere – and fast. According to my guess, the Earth spins at roughly 78,000 miles per second. Think of it this way. If you were one inch tall and standing on the edge of a piece of pizza in one of those spinning convenience store units that was traveling at 3 inches per second, the pepperonis would look huge.

Still confused? Well, consider also that the Earth spins around the sun at one circle per year (or c/y). The circle is a unit I made up which is a thin, gray line that the Earth stays on while going around the sun. It is clearly seen by looking at a drawing in any high school science book or by drinking way too much alcohol and looking into the sky at night (which I do not recommend – neither drinking the alcohol nor looking at a high school science book).

So, as you can clearly see, even if I was sitting still in a bathtub watching Jeopardy on a nine inch B&W TV, I would be traveling around the Earth and the sun, possibly surrounded by large pepperonis. And, had I looked at my high school science book more often, I might’ve learned that the sun is traveling around something, too – perhaps a Super Sun, which might often taunt our familiar and lesser sun by making fun of its sun spots.

So, there I would be, in a tub, going many places at a great speed, twirling and spinning around, not much unlike a carnival ride. And you can’t tell me nothing like that has ever happened at your local state fair. My newspaper’s Police Beat section is usually filled with such items as “Eddington Man Found Disrobed on the Tilt-A-Whirl, Carnie Stunned”.

And it takes a lot to stun a carnie.

Many people, however, do not appreciate knowing about our constant, involuntary traveling. Take the man that interviewed me for that job after graduation. He said, “Do you mind traveling?”

I spent the next 30 minutes educating him on spin speeds, Earthular circle-paths and pepperoni. He must have preferred ham as a pizza topping, because I did not get the position, plus I was escorted out by security. In hindsight, I probably should’ve just said travel was OK with me, but I’m not really sure I would’ve liked being a door-to-door Walmart greeter anyway.

It sounds so invasive.

My goal in life now is to travel at such a speed and in such a direction that I am actually standing still in relation to the Super Sun. I’m not sure this has ever been done.

I am going to need some supplies, though, like a GPS. GPS is an amazing technology named after its inventor, George Positioning Satellite, which allows you to find out where you are on the planet. They are especially helpful when you wake up in the woods and say to yourself, “Where in the world am I?”

GPS will not help, though, with your inevitable hangover from drinking all of that alcohol and reading high school science books the night before.

Neither of which I recommend.


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